“Welcome to My Crib: Rodent Edition”
From the Diary of an Uninvited Attic Guest
Oh hey. Didn’t see you there.
Let me introduce myself. I’m Remy. No, not the French chef rat — I’m the other kind. The one that moved into your attic last Thursday night while you were busy watching Netflix and ignoring that scratching sound above your ceiling fan.
And let me tell you… I’ve never lived somewhere so cozy.
The Attic? Five Stars.
First off, the insulation up here? Like sleeping in a cloud made of cotton candy and dreams. I don’t know what R-value this stuff is, but I give it an A+ for chewability. And warmth. And chewability again.
I’ve been nesting like it’s an HGTV show. Found some old tinsel from 2006, a dryer sheet, and one of your kid’s stuffed animals. If you’re missing Mr. Fluffums, my bad. He had great structure and smelled faintly of peanut butter.
The Food? Endless Buffet.
Do you know what’s in your pantry right now? Because I do.
And I gotta say, you really need to work on sealing those cereal bags. One nibble and it’s open sesame.
Oh, and the dog kibble in the garage? Divine. Crunchy, savory, with a hint of beef by-product. A real treat when I need a break from gnawing on your electrical wires (which, side note, taste surprisingly spicy).
So Many Hidey Holes, So Little Time
Between the attic beams, wall voids, and that pile of Christmas lights you swore you’d untangle last year… I’m basically living in a labyrinth of rodent luxury. I played hide-and-seek for two hours yesterday and still didn’t find all my cousins.
Speaking of which, yes — I invited a few friends. You know how it is. You find a great place, you gotta share it.
Wiring: The Forbidden Snack
Look, I know I shouldn’t. But there’s just something about the rubber coating on those wires that really speaks to me. I’m not trying to cause a fire or anything — it’s just how I cope with stress. You humans chew gum, I chew $3,000 HVAC systems.
Fair’s fair.
Anyway, Thanks for the Hospitality.
I’m not saying I’ll stay forever, but… actually, yes I am. I’m staying.
Unless, of course, you call in Genuine Pest Control.
Those folks? They don’t play. They’re like the bouncers of the attic world. One inspection and suddenly it’s eviction time — traps, exclusion work, the whole shebang.
So unless you’re ready to ruin a good thing for me and my 38 family members, just pretend you didn’t read this.
Warmest regards (literally — your insulation is amazing),
Remy the Rodent